I don't want to be so angry anymore.Back in December, I met someone who was awesome and great. She was smart, funny, and more than anything else, just a great person to be around and know. We became friends fast, and for the last 6 months, shes been the single greatest supporter I could have. In a lot of ways, if it wasn't for her, I don't think I would have accomplished 90% of what I have. Her support is just amazing.
Last March we had a photo shoot at my house. I was trying to get her to act angry, so I faked how I looked when I get mad. She was actually kinda shocked since I'm such a nice guy. She's mentioned it from time to time since then.
On Friday we hung out in New York City. I was having a great time, something happened, and I got angry for the first time around her. I went to a store to cool off, and someone blocked my way into the store trying to get me to buy their CD. I don't mind, but they were right in my way. As my friend joined me and we left the store, I was able to calm down... until the guy came at me again. I snapped and yelled at him, full tilt. He finally left us alone.
We sat in a park and talked and everything seemed OK. We went around Manhattan having fun and pulling pranks, and we soon got to Times Square. When we did, someone else tried to sell me their CD. I told them "No thanks", and then they got personal. It got even uglier, my friend having to hold me back.
She was quiet the rest of the night and took a cab home from the bus station. I took the train.
I haven't heard back from her since.
I thought about why. I thought about it a lot. I talked to the only other person I can talk to about these things and they were, surprisingly enough to me, the bluntest I've ever seen about this. I already knew the problem, and I'll share this with you. Maybe you're in the same spot as me, or maybe you're close to it and you don't realize it.
I've said I hate people. I don't like when they make fun of me, I don't like when they stare, and I don't like how they act. The reality was that it was never about them; it was always about me. I'm not happy with myself. I haven't been happy with myself for a long time. In turn... I'm always angry.
I thought I was showing my friend who I was; the reality was that I wasn't. I was showing her the ugliest side of me, the one I hate the most, the one where I'm not happy with myself or anything. The side of me that is nothing but anger and rage.
And I don't want to be that guy anymore.
Being angry all the time doesn't work. It doesn't help. All it does it make you worse and worse and worse. If you bottle it up, if you don't handle it right, it doesn't just go away. Instead, it festers and feeds and transforms and turns you into something you know you're not! It turns you into something you're better than!
It turned me into a monster. I saw the monster, dead in the eye... and I don't want to know him anymore. I don't want to be a monster. I want to be a man.
Its not for her sake that I do this; its for the sake of myself. Its not for all my friends who have either never seen that side of me, and its not for all my friends who have and were scared off. Its not for the people who care for me, or the people who will or did. Its for myself, for the sake of my well being, for the sake of being a better person!
I don't want to be the "Angriest Man in Philadelphia" anymore. I just want to be a man.
PS: I'm also asking that all my friends who see this please give me a hand with this and please offer some encouragement with this. This is something I can really only succeed in with some help.
3 comments:
Hmm, there are two sides to this. I've always heard the saying "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." I tend to believe in that, especially when it comes to relationships between friends. Anger is a normal emotion and one that should be expressed.
In the situations you described, I might well have been just as angry. Perhaps I wouldn't really yell at the person (I tend to vent via blogging), but I'm sure your anger was justified.
At the same time, like you mentioned, anger is destructive. It doesn't just hurt others, it hurts yourself.
But righteous anger (anger at an injustice) can be constructive when you re-direct it in a positive way, like to help others.
It can be a very fine line. (Sorry, my thoughts are rambly.)
But I'm humbled by the honesty in your post. And inspired.
Thank you very much. :)
Justified anger is one thing, and this blog was based on that. Being angry and furious over corruption, for example, is right. The same is true of talking about how you may hate certain things in pop-culture, or how you've been treated.
The trick has always been how you handle it, and how I was handling it was wrong. Blogging, writing, drawing... they all are great and constructive outlets. But yelling and acting in a destructive way isn't.
I heard from my friend and I told her how I felt and I listened to how she felt. I'm praying I didn't ruin a great friendship that is important to me. To a almost greater degree, I really want to make sure I get better and calm down.
Like I've said, a time like this is when you really need friends. :)
Yeah, I'm still madmags on Philly Blog. angry as anything about corruption and still fighting but that's not the real me. Hurt makes a person angry. Corruption hurts. You are doing a good job -finding your way and finding an even stronger voice,
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