Attrition

I look down at the world
As I feel with all the pain
As I look up again
I can't help but grin

Despite all the anger
And self analyzing crap
I somehow feel empowered
By feeling something so strong

I'm mad at myself
And furious at the world
All I can think of
Is not being pulled by the undertow

I live a life devoid of warmth
A seemingly permanent condition
Living out all my days
Living with all of the attrition

The anger and all the rage
From seeing someone else
Throw the entire life away
For someone who doesn't deserve
The love, the warmth
The endlessly wonderful days
It's almost as if this person was trapped inside a maze

Through twists and turns
They follow the course
They follow their premonition
Living with another act of attrition

And so I live
Another day
Although I don't know why

I live another day
Living this lie

Disconnect / The Destruction of a Person

I feel alone.

I've felt this way before, a million times or more.

I've felt the ripping pain and agony and wanting to not exist.

I've felt the strains of sanity tear and break.

I've felt the hopelessness, emptiness, darkness, bleakness.

But now, I feel it all and I feel nothing.

This "alone" is an exile.

I was a freak... I am a freak.

But now I feel nothing.

I hate my freak clothing, my style... myself.

The being that is, the being that was, me.

It no longer seems to be me.

I have stepped away from everything,

I have stepped out of what I was.

I have stepped out of what I believe I am.

I see, for the first time, the outside of my world.

The goths, the punks, the metalheads... I see outside my protective world.

See them all as a large group where I belonged.

Where I used to belong.

Where I think I belong.

The exile I've entered is one that I wonder is self-imposed.

The only one who could have sent me away was myself.

Or it could have been a new sense of maturity, although I doubt it.

This exile is painful, lonely, and heartbreaking.

This exile is not being alive.

This exile is a suicide.

And I am in exile.

-Larry West, 9/18/2008