Philadelphia, Your Music Sucks!

Music today is boring.

It is derived, condensed, and consists of nothing more than a bunch of whiny little lame-asses who played and recorded something in their basement, released something on MySpace and got a nice buzz, and then did nothing. The biggest Indie-Rock band in the world consists, in spirit and execution, of nothing more than a bunch of kids singing nonsensical lyrics about their shitty love life and how unfair life is because the guy at Starbucks didn't get their fuckin' Tall Frappe Cappuccino drink right! Their breath of politics is nothing more than a trendy little liberal though, 2 years ago "Bush sucks" and nothing more. Now? Little more outside of "We have hope".

To complain that music consists of only 3 chords played repeatedly would be the highest case of me being a hypocrite, yet it would be incredibly appropriate. While punk bands back in 1977 may have been guilty of only have 3 chords and six strings to this world, grasping onto this existence with barely more than cheap drugs, cheaper beer, and women for free, they had some depth and personality to them. It would also be naive of myself in countless ways to romanticize something that was considered, at the time, the last way of self-expression in a world where many there was nothing left to say. To simply re-create what was and reuse it for one owns gain was looked down-upon.

Yet, here I am, over 30 years later, doing the same thing as I listen to Rancid's "...And Out Came the Wolves", shaking my fist like a man with the numbers in his age reversed, talking about a time he barely remember.

No, do you know why music today sucks? YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could print out each letter of that 50 feet high and get on the news for it. I wish I had an army of people who feel the same exact way outside every fucking indie club and indie rock band! Outside Johnny Brenda's, outside the North Star Bar! Outside the Khyber and the Tritone! Outside every fucking bar in Fishtown where people think going to a club around the corner of where some crack dealer was only a year ago and now you have a bar and you think your "dangerous"! Outside every alt-weekly newspaper praising some "great band" that's only going to sell 10 CD's, not because they didn't get the exposure they feel they deserve, but because the band didn't have TALENT!

I AM SICK OF IT!

I'm sick of shitty joke bands getting more respect than bands practicing and playing their asses off, creating something that may not be earth-shattering but more interesting and well-played than what a bunch of fuckers who decided to start a band with a fucking ocarina and banging together empty Pat's Blue Ribbon beer cans for "the art"! I'm sick of someone being a respected music critic because they have a fucking mustache or a beard, despite the fact they have no taste in music, talent, or ability!

Lo-fi rock, post-rock, music where people rip off others and its considered "sampling others" or doing something "that's part of a community of artists"! Indie rock that relies more and more on self-gratification than actual hard work and musicianship! Wussy, pussy, sad, pathetic people who simply take old folk-rock music and genres, add some minor "twist" to it, and create something that isn't that much interesting, just marginally better! The shitty hip-hop artist who thinks crafting together two lame rhymes together with some shitty beat you got on sale at Walmart! The guy and gal who think they're being "EDGY" or "COOL" by walking around with thick nerdy glasses! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY?! YOU DON''T LOOK GOOD IN THAT!!!!!

All of you! Your not creating something worth listening to, you're just regurgitating something everyone is doing or done and not adding to it!

AND YOU! The asshole who actually BUYS this stuff!

YOU! The self-righteous prick who thinks you're doing the world a favor by supporting shitty music and art! YOU! The guy who'd rather spend $10 to see 5 bands who have NO potential and no spirit, but are out there playing a gig not to pay the bills or do something interested, but they're only playing to feel like they're self-important themselves! YOU! The high-and-mighty "know-it-all" who feels "Special" because only you and your friends know of some band with no label or support! YOU! The asshat who thinks metal and punk died! YOU! The idiot who thinks tearing things with quality and value down is cool and hip!

YOU!

YOU are what wrong with Music! YOU are why I can't fucking stand this shit! YOU are why I play my guitar every night, knowing I may not be the best or better than 99% of the people in this city... but its YOU why I'm going to keep trying and then burn your house to the ground when I play.

YOU are destroying music.

Prepare to burn.

Photo courtesy of Just Say NO to Emo

EDITORS NOTE: This post was originally written during a case of vertigo and cough medicine. All thoughts and opinions expressed should be taken as such... although I think I'm right about most of this stuff.

SEPTA Has New Busking Rules: Good and Bad News

Exactly 2 years ago as of May 2nd, the impact of an even that happened in March of 2007 came to a head. Anthony Riley, then 20-years-old, was arrested for singing in Rittenhouse Square. What followed on May 2nd was the blow back, a group of musicians and smart-minded people who realized that this was wrong. The protest was large, with nearly 100 people there. I was there during my run for mayor. I wore my favorite black suit and a pair of sunglasses. In one hand was a small red amp and in the other a gig bag for my Scott Ian Lyon/Washburn signature series guitar. I approached Anthony, talked with him for a bit and some other people and a reporter, and played along in protest to these insane laws. The police came to try and stop the peaceful protest, but Anthony was able to show the proper documents and we were allowed to stay.

In August, Anthony had his day in court. After an hour-long trial where the defense showed a weak and laughable case, the judge dismissed all charges. Anthony had beaten the system, and the ability to busk in Philadelphia was permitted.

I asked myself if our fight was just. It was... but I knew we had all created something that would not end well.

Although I was quiet about it then, I spent the months leading up to the trial watching as musicians came out of the woodwork for to exercise their right and ability to perform to the public. It was amazing and fun at first, but as the trial came, I saw more and more people busking and I realized that this may be a problem.

By the Summer of 2008, it is safe to say that there was a large problem with busking in Center City; everyone and anyone with a instrument and an amp to play pre-recorded music seem to come out and try their hand at being a small star. Some days it was a pain to go to Suburban Station, as 5 or 6 people would all peform in a small area at the same time. Trying to pick out one sound against another was a pain. There were some people who were great, though I don't know their names. A small R&B group that played at Market East Station, a child violinist who would pop up from time to time, and a man who was, in every since, a one-man band with class, playing the drums while singing at the same time and peforming, periodically, with other people.

It was Philadelphia seeing its first real busking boom since I've been alive. Up until 2007, there were very few, if any, people busking at SEPTA stations. It was nice at first, but one day as I tried to catch my train, a group of breakdancers created such a crowd, it was almost impossible to get by. At the same time, a lot of the people peforming were either mediocre, bad... or just plain boring.

In March I decided to go to Market East Station and give busking a try. I wasn't doing it for the money, just the chance to dress as I wished, paly what I wanted, and see how people reacted. I went down there with full distortion on my little amp and played whatever metal songs I could cover and a ton of original stuff and improve. After about 2 hours, on a good day, I made $15, which was more than enough for me! I had a employee tell me to move once (vey rudely, I might add)... that netted me $5 in pitty cash. I was mad I was told to move and in the back of my mind I though, "Well, put up a damn sign if I can't play there!"

They did.

Starting Monday, signs started showing up in Center City train stations telling people that they could no longer simply go up to a spot and start peforming. Instead, a rule was created: "All peformers will need to get a permit which could be attained for free and they could only play for 3 hours." I found this fair and sound, and OK. Then the last part: "No amplification of any kind." This part is where I have to disagree!

Yes, people can play loud with an amp. REALLY loud. But I have heard plenty of instruments, from accoustic guitars to drums to just people singing, that are louder than most amps turned to a reasonable setting. My beef is that there isn't wiggle room here, just "no". Some people need SOME amplification, and this rule smacks in the face of a lot fo people, in particular that small R&B duo I mentioned.

In an article in today's Philadelphia Metro, people had mixed feelings on this, and understandably so. The amplification part, in particular, had two interesting notes. A woman who goes to Suburban Station often said that the noise "became down-right annoying, especially from those with amplifiers." A man named Peter, who has played the keyboards for nearly 6 years, is angry as his revenue will most likely shrink from $80 to $20 because of the hour limit."

While the signs are posted, the rules don't go into effect until August 6th, 2009.

Myself? I'm sad I can't just pop downtown and play the train station like I used to. It was fun while it lasted. I'm just mad about the amp thing...


(Photo of the Busker in Suburban Station courtesy of Detainee)

Slipknot Calls Coldplay "Music To Wipe Your Ass To"; Self-Important "Music" Fans Cry

Slipknot frontman Corey Taylor has slammed Coldplay – accusing them of making “music to wipe your ass to”.

Taylor made the remark when asked to comment on Coldplay's latest album 'Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends'.

“That is one of the most self-celebratory pieces of **** I’ve ever ******* heard in my entire ******* life,” Taylor said on MTV2's review of the year.

“Go suck a ******* ****. Are you watching Martin? Suck it. Go eat a bag of ****. I ******* hate that album. It’s music to wipe your ass to.”

Coldplay's fourth record is the fastest selling album in the UK this year, spending four weeks at number one when it was released in June.

It has also topped the charts in 35 other countries, and has sold over two million copies in the US alone.

Source: Gigwise.com

The article neglects to mention that Coldplay is being Sued By Joe Satriani For Plagiarizing "Viva La Vida".

Coldplay. When they burst upon the music scene in 2000, one thought came to mind: Here comes another slow-motion band based on REM and Radiohead that thinks they can do something "awesome" with their brand of lo-fi, non-offensive, boring rock. They will go nowhere. Then they released that "Clocks" song and wound up staying around to today. Every self-indulgent "music" fan, and I use the term loosely because they think "music" consists of nothing more than mediocre bands and music that don't try to challenge the listener, but instead insults them with nonsensical drivle lyrics.

Bah.

That said, these self-indulgent music-holes aren't going to really care what a group of metalheads in jumpsuits and masks have to say about their latest flavor of vanilla. But, hey, it gave me an excuse to write this and put an album cover on a roll of toilet paper!

Relapse Records, We Hardly Knew Ye...

On Thursday, the word went out: Relapse Records was no more.

In what is nothing short of a devastating blow to the metal community in Philadelphia, the last Bastille of pure metal is now gone. Our own little Hellvete, the famous store known for fostering the Black Metal Scene over the ocean and in the land of viking legends and lore, Relapse Retail in Philadelphia did something that few stores around the country, let alone in Philadelphia, had the balls to do, and that was not to stock anything NOT Metal or, to an extent, punk.

The following statment was posted on their MySpace Page:

It was a sad day for us to have to close our store yesterday after giving it a go for several years. ... It is deeply important to us that you pass along this thank you to the greater Philly area.

Thank you to anyone who has ever shopped at, browsed through, or otherwise been part of the community at the Relapse Retail store on 4th street. We appreciate you support and enthusiasm more than you know.

Relapse

Relapse Records was the place I went to get my metal CD's. I started to get tired of spending any money at all at FYE, metal section or not, and Relapse always had a better selection of CD's and, even more importantly, t-shirts. When Rock & Roll+ went under in 2004, Relapse was the only place to buy band shirts in Philly. No it's gone.

But even more importantly, Relapse Records allowed you to meet the bands you loved! Or, in more cases than not for me, meet bands I liked and found it cool to meet. Obituary, DragonForce, Lacuna Coil, Meshuggah... Good times! I'll never forget going there in September of 2006 to browse around and being told that Brian Poshen, one of my favorite comedians and a real metal fan, was upstairs doing a meet & greet with free pizza. I thought it was a joke, but lo and behold, YEP! There he was!

This was my stomping ground, my haven away from the tourists that have taken over South Street, and one of the very, very, very few reasons I had left to venture down there. Save Noise Pollution and Crash Bang, I doubt 4th and South is going to be a place for me to go to much more. On the plus side, the idiots who work at Jim's Steaks will stop looking at everyone who goes to that store like freaks, something I can only assume these jackasses would had gotten used to after some 6-odd years there.

Insult to injury, they just got a new sign for that store and renovated the entire place last year.

I can't lie about this part in particular; for all the bitching and moaning I make on a daily basis of the Alt-Weeklies in Philadelphia, how they seem to hate metal and are dominated by a small minority of "hipper-than-thou" people... I have been proven wrong. Philadelphia City Paper actually had a nice (be it still in the tounge-in-cheek fashion as they always have) about this to inform us. Philebrity.com, the site that even went so far as to cover me during my run last year, had a mention of it.

I honestly could just go on and on about this store and the people who worked there, people I grew to know over the years. More than anyone, I will never forget the lovely dreadlocked woman who worked behind the counter. I will never forget how hard she worked and tried to make sure this store stayed afloat. Her tireless efforts are something I won't forget, and I wish her the best and greatest of luck in all of her future endevors! Joy, you will be missed as well.

If you can, for older releases, try to check out the legendary Noise Pollution shop across from where Relapse Records is. I know the owner and the store, literally, is it in terms of good music stores in Philly if your not some hipster or indie fan. If you love metal and punk, Noise Pollution is it!

Check out the MySpace page for Relpase Retail here.